Conan Review
Dismemberment, excessive drinking and naked babes- a game worthy of Crom!
Posted by Chris Buffa on Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Robert E. Howard's Conan the Barbarian is just like God of War's Kratos, except he isn't a douche. Instead of unleashing his wrath on countless innocents, he saves them, vanquishing evil in a most brutal manner. Now the legend hits the PlayStation 3 and Xbox 360 in the aptly titled Conan, a game that transcends its faults, thanks to its awesome brutality.
Somewhere, buried beneath the flying limbs and the naked ladies lies a story, and you're welcome to enjoy it, but Conan's all about senseless violence. Playing as the muscle bound destroyer, you explore a rich 3-D fantasy world populated by marauding baddies, then use a plethora of weapons and moves to eviscerate them. You always have a broadsword handy, but you can also use staffs, axes and other blades. Not only can you dual wield some of them, but you can also throw them at enemies, impaling their carcasses on the nearest wall. And while you slice and dice your opponents, blood shoots in all directions, heads fly, bodies get cleaved in two and torsos say goodbye to their legs, revealing pink intestines. You may also use points acquired during your murderous rampages to purchase moves such as the pile driver, which automatically decapitates your foes, sending their heads rocketing towards the screen.
At first, we disliked buying maneuvers, as it felt like a cheap gimmick, but we grew to love it. Whereas most action games grant you access to a hero's moves from the get go, Conan keeps the excitement level high because you never know what horrible things will happen from performing a grab or combo. More often than not, the non-player characters suffer, since THQ dreamed up so many ways to kill them. With that said, the artificial intelligence is more than capable of defending itself. Not only do enemies block like it's their job, but they have a tendency to gang up on Conan and score lots of cheap hits. The developer, Nihilistic, deserves a slap on its wrist for punishing us, sending waves of bad guys to kick our ass before introducing some ridiculous boss character that whittles away Conan's life bar. It's an old school method of design that we'd like to forget.
Lengthy load times further irritate us, as do mysteriously floating weapons and characters that aimlessly walk into walls or repeatedly execute the same attacks. The lion, for example, swipes at Conan three times, then keeps performing the action, and while we love the big breasted ladies, the stupid dance they do whenever Conan busts them free probably demeans women. There's definitely that "men are strong, women are weak" vibe. With that said, THQ worked with the Conan source material, and you'll make of that what you will.
It's difficult to take offense, however, as you fire catapults at ships, set people's huts on fire and square off (and bludgeon) large beasts. Yeah, the game uses the archaic "hit that switch to activate that statue" template, and God of War fans will criticize THQ for copying Sony's franchise (right down to collecting glowing orbs), but Conan kicks a lot of ass and stands out as one of 2007's guiltiest pleasures, but as a rental. Its glitches and standard issue design make it unfit stand amongst the best action games. Just accept it for what it is, grab two axes and chop soldiers to ribbons. Do it for the ladies. Do it for country. Most importantly, do it for Crom.
Final Score: 7/10
